Responding to what is

Thanks to all who reached out after my last letter. Transitions can be hard and I was really stuck last month accepting my reality and finding the next step. October has brought some clarity for me. I've been able to respond to your gentle requests to return to work by navigating all the regulations, safety requirements and my personal concerns. I now have my next steps in the form of a COVIDSafe plan and practical tasks to rebuild my confidence and strength.

After such a loooong period of isolation at home, I am monitoring my energy levels and spacing bookings carefully. If you would like an appointment, please call, text or email me directly.

It's important to me that I work from a place of abundance and share the best of myself, so I may appear slower and take lots of pauses. Thank you for your patience and trust. We will all be healing together in the coming months.

Reweaving

I think a big part of healing together is understanding that we all need more support. Our current society doesn't value the basic needs of people or the planet. As I've articulated in past letters, I want to live in a world that works for all, where our choices and actions are life affirming, respectful and caring.

And I'm realising that unlearning generations of harshness, domination and punishment is really hard. We are such social creatures and we learn from what we see modelled around us. Role models for living with compassion, understanding and loving kindness are precious and rare.

I'm relearning from Miki Kashtan's book Reweaving Our Human Fabric and practising in the way I speak to myself and others. She describes how we have lost our indigenous sense of interconnectedness and even the language to talk about our basic human needs. The English language is full of judgements and self centred criticism, often hidden as feelings.

So following the guide of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I am trying to be less judgemental and more observational in what I think and say. Instead of "You make me so angry" I'm trying "I feel frustrated when you X because I need Y right now". Or instead of "You are so selfish" I might say "You are taking care of your needs but not the needs of others around you. Would you be willing to X?" It's clunky and takes a lot of practice, but I'm learning! And importantly, modelling a different way to everyone around me.

Regulating

When I think about social change and modelling new ways of being I come back to Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory. It expands on our basic knowledge of the autonomic nervous system - the part of us that reacts to stress and then recovers. You may already know this system as two branches: fight/flight and rest/digest. Polyvagal theory describes a third branch for social engagement, that has evolved in humans relatively recently.

You can see the branches in the image below. Green is social engagement, yellow is fight/flight and red is rest/digest (and also freeze).

The green branch is called the ventral vagus nerve. It connects your face and head to the heart and lungs and is usually the first response you have in any situation. This face-heart connection links facial expressions, tone of voice and language to regulation of heart rate and breathing. When you are feeling safe you react with friendship behaviours ie. smiling, laughter, eye contact, moving towards others. If you begin to sense danger you react with fawning ie. seeking powerful people, mirroring their expressions and mimicking their language and movements.

Do you see how we are wired to mirror behaviours and co-regulate with others? And how closely linked our heart and breath are to our words and voice and facial expressions? I feel this is especially relevant today as we interact with each other wearing masks, or as virtual faces on screens.

How can you support and regulate this branch of your nervous system more consciously? Eye gazing, smiling with your whole face, hand on heart, breathing deeply, synchronising your breathing with others, putting your whole loving expression into your voice, consciously choosing nonviolent language and kind words, humming or singing to yourself if you're feeling heightened emotions or stress... I'm sure you have wonderfully adaptive ways too. Let me know how you've been regulating your breath and social nervous system during the pandemic.

Remembering

A poem by John Trudell from "Living in Reality" 1982
~

One time
I was visiting
with my relatives
the clouds, the mountains,
the sky, the trees

My relatives
touched my spirit
nudged it lovingly

Listen to us
impatient one
We are forever
You must remember
the gentleness
of time

You are struggling
to be
who you are
You say you want
to learn
the old ways
Struggling to learn
when
all you must do
is remember

Remember the people
Remember sky and Earth
Remember the people
have always struggled
to live
in harmony
in peace

Struggle against selfishness
and weakness
so the people
may live
as nations

The old ways are hard
The people have always
had to work
together

Remember
impatient one
Remember
and live
Do not be afraid
of truth
respect
discipline
Share your life
so the people
may live

Honor sky
and Earth
Honor yourself
Honor your relations

Remember
impatient one
the gentleness
of time
so the people
may live
~

Sending you much love and kindness. Please reach out if you need,

Emily